You’ve seen all of the NFL players and Coaches wearing pink apparel this month. As you probably already know, that’s because October is the official Breast Cancer awareness month. Which brings up the question, it’s 2013 who isn’t aware of Breast Cancer at this point? Well the answer might be more obvious than you think.
New York Giants Quarterback Eli Manning’s awareness has been called to questions many times this season, after all he has over 15 interceptions in 6 games, but it wasn’t until last month until we learned how bad it really was. Apparently, in a locker room conversation, wide receiver Hakeem Nicks was discussing a family friend who was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer” to which the superbowl quarterback responded “Breast Cancer?”
Surprised by the two time super bowl quarterbacks reaction, the players and coaches decided to team up and wear pink in hopes that they could encourage Eli Manning to learn about this disease which effects millions of women each year. Sadly the efforts have been a fail thus far. Eli is still completely clueless about this deadly and very common disease, and to make matter worse he started wearing pink as well, despite having no clue why. Many are speculating that it is as an attempt to fit in with his cool, young black teammates.
We contacted Eli’s brother Peyton to see his thoughts on the issue. To which the quarterback of the 6-0 Denver Broncos replied, “Wait a second. I’ve heard of cancer… and I’ve certainly heard of breasts, but what the hell is Breast cancer?” Apparently the issue, much like breast cancer, may be a hereditary thing.
Sam Bradford. Matt Stafford. Jay Cutler. What do these men all have in common? Well, they are all NFL quarterbacks who haven’t quite lived up to their potential. Also, none of these guys would ever touch a guy’s penis and like it! That’s why all three of them and many other of the NFL’s alpha male quarterbacks have made a habit of reciting the popular rap phrase “No Homo” before and after every snap. This phrase signifies to bystanders that no matter how gay the situation looks or sounds, that there is no homosexuality involved whatsoever.
NFL head coaches are trying to put an and to this trend. “I’m sick of my quarterback constantly reminding me he’s not gay. I know he’s not gay. HE”S DATING A SUPERMODEL!” says Bill Belicheck, coach of the very heterosexual quarterback Tom Brady, “Anyways, that’s why we’ve been running so much shotgun lately.”
Just like the Patriots, many other NFL teams are running more plays out of the Shotgun, a formation that does not require any player’s hands to go near any other player’s private parts.
What does this mean for Fantasy football? I’m not sure. What does it mean for your Sexual Fantasies? Well if you’re a male, you better keep these quarterbacks out of them, because THEY ARE STRAIGHT!
***As of now, we are still uncertain about the sexuality of most NFL Centers***
Listen up, because the time is now. No longer will we sit back and do nothing as young women make the biggest fashion mistake of their lives.
Yes, I am talking about the mom shorts trends, that literally none of us approve of. I’m not exactly sure when and where this fashion craze started (My guess is that stupid hoe, Miley Cyrus, with her awful haircuts which we will address down the road). But that does not matter, because it is now the time to end this.
I don’t care if you are gay, straight, a frat bro, a nerd, or whatever. The one thing that all of us men can agree on, is that this look sucks and we need to do something about it. So I offer you this proposition:
THE “MOM SHORTS” COUNTER TREND
As a guy, all you need to do is head to this site and pick up a pair of the shorts I have pictured below. I assure you these are Men’s short’s and that they are by far the best “Dad shorts” I could find. If you don’t have 15 bucks, then head to the local thrift shop or your weird uncle’s house and find a pair that are similar. Just make sure they look as bad, or worse, than ones I provided.
You then must proceed to wear those shorts as much as you can. This includes Concerts, Pick up Basketball Games, Bars, and anywhere else you can think of. The more attention, the better. It is important that we act fast, while the weather is still permitting. We don’t want mom shorts to be a trend again next spring.
The goal is to show women how irrational they are being, and that no fashion trend beats out looking attractive. WE CAN DO THIS! TOGETHER!
Okay. There is no time to lose. Pick up your pair of shorts and get started. I can’t wait to see that dumpy butt of yours out in public!