The Daily Struggles of Kevin Stu

              
(above) Author Mitch Albom discusses importance of ‘cutting loose’ on Thursdays

Author Mitch Albom is best known for his memoir “Tuesdays with Morrie”. This popular book turned movie focuses on the time Albom spent reconnecting with his friend and former professor Morrie Schwartz. After learning about Schwarts’ diagnosis of ALS (more popularly know as Lou Gehrigs Disease), Albom met up with his beloved professor every  Tuesday up until his eventual death. It is in these meeting where the author learned many of life’s most important lessons, which he shared in his famous book. However, despite the wonderful times they had together on many a Tuesday’s, the well known writer still says that Thursdays are his favorite day of the week.

“Of course I love Tuesday’s, they always remind me of the time I got to spend with one of my oldest and dearest friends”, says Albom, “but Thursdays, Thursdays will always be my shit!”

Thursdays, often known as ‘Thirsty Thursday’ to college students and some weird adults, have grown to become a favorite day for binge drinkers. Albom just happens to be one of those enthusiasts.

“See the problem with Tuesday is that it’s way too early in the week, it’s basically just Monday. Nobody want’s to do anything. That’s the beauty of Thursday. Thursday is right on the front end of the weekend. Everyone is all stressed out and ready to party!” says Albom.

In his book, the critically acclaimed author recalls his time at Brandeis College where he met Morrie, “Back in college I I took a ton of his classes, and every once in awhile we would take walks together and talk.” says Albom “But when I wasnt with him I was usually partying. You see, I had this this fucking crazy group of friends” Albom laughs “I remember we used to get really shitfaced right after our last class on Thursday, and we would be so drunk by 7 that we wouldn’t even make it to the bars. So you can see why Thursdays are kind of nostalgic for me.”

The author went on to discuss some of the lessons he has learned throughout his life,”I learned a lot in the short time I spent with Morrie. We talked about the importance of staying close with family and friends, and why money shouldn’t be your main focus in life” says Albom “however, Thursday’s are where I learned a lot of more useful shit, like how to shotgun a beer properly, or good ways to trick a bartender into thinking you already tipped”.

Albom expanded on the importance of quality friendships, “This one Thursday my friend Ricky drop kicked a mailbox and fractured his femur! Morrie was nice guy and all, but Ricky, now that dude was a fucking riot!”

Now long removed from his college years, Albom said that he still drinks on Thursday’s but not as much as he’d like to, “It’s been way to long since I woke up face down in a random Boston alley” said the author of a once best selling book.  We asked him if he ever missed his old friend Morrie, about whom he wrote his magnum opus. “Oh Ya. I definitely miss Murray sometimes. He was taken from this Earth way too soon. FUCK CANCER!”  

If you have watched any of the NCAA March Madness tournament, then you are certainly familiar with the new Bud Light commercial which has aired over/under 3 million times (If you haven’t been watching the tournament, or have somehow managed to avoid this advertisement, then check it out here). This very frequently played ad features a male/female couple who appear to have found each other on a dating site, meeting in real life for the first time.

However, the part that stands out to most people about this commercial is the very opening line, before they start discussing there fears of dating in the digital age. As the cameras pans in on the couple, we here the bearded male say “and that’s why I can never go back to Cleveland again.”

This line has left many viewers wondering the same thing… why can’t this man go back to Cleveland?

He seems like a pretty harmless dude, and to be banned from an entire city, that’s a pretty big deal. WELL, lucky for you guys. I am from Cleveland, and I just happen to know the story.


It all started in late June a few years back. I was at a bar playing darts with some friends. None of us knew how to play darts so we were naturally just chucking the darts at the board as hard as we could, like we would a baseball. I was probably winning because I’m a tremendous athlete.  ANYWAYS That’s when that mustached douche bag (Remember. He used to have a mustache) walked in with his friends and proceeded to ruin our evening. He was drinking a Bud Light.

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Another teacher is under scrutiny for a student teacher sex scandal. Except this time, Dennis Quaid Elementary 5th grade Social Studies teacher, Wendy McDonald (yes. just like the fast food restaurants) is under investigation for NOT having sex with one of her students. Jimmy Edwards, captain of the 5th grade boys Track team, supposedly made a pass at Wendy last week following the Spring pep rally. One student overheard the exchange while standing at a nearby locker. “Hey, Ms. McDonald, I like your butt, you should let me make love to it”, the witness recalls Jimmy saying rather confidently. It is reported that, although very flattered, Ms. McDonald politely denied Jimmy’s request to “make love to her butt”.

When Principal McDonald (no relation) found out about this interaction, he was not surprisingly upset. “Jimmy ran the 800 meter dash in less than 4 minutes last year and led our team to 3rd in the conference. The least she could do is fuck him”, said the man in charge of Dennis Quaid Elementary. “We are taking this investigation very seriously, and if we find any evidence suggesting that Wendy turned down the opportunity to have anal sex with this young man, severe punishments will be issued” There is more to come on this investigation, as the details ease their way in (like a penis into a butt!).

Jimmy Edwards (center) and friends after last year’s big meet against Orlando Bloom Prep School

I just got done reading The Sun Also Rises, the first novel by American author Ernest Hemingway (previously famous for going to prison and being scared stupid). I have some minor thoughts and criticisms on his work, so I wrote him a letter.



YO ERNEST,

Your book, The Sun Also Rises, pretty good, but I do have some complaints.

First off, your title is very confusing. The word “also” is a comparative word, and therefore requires a comparison. We know THE SUN rises, but what else? If you were referring to my penis during an episode of Rizolli and Isles, you are definitely correct. But you can’t just assume all of your readers will know that. Remember, when you “assume”… you look a like to a total fucktard.

Second. I’ve been to France ONCE. Which is three times more than everybody else i know. So why the fuck do you talk about your travel routes the whole time. We dont know any of the places you are talking about, and we certainly don’t care about directions. That shit is for GPS to worry about. Us Americans are not only fat and ugly, but we are stupid as well. SO TREAT US LIKE IT! Reading your book was VERY confusing. It felt like I was watching an episode of The Californians, just not funny.

Speaking of funny, that leads to my third complaint. Your movies were WAY funnier than this book. I liked the movie where you went to the Army (i cant remember what it was called). Your comedic timing and brilliant slapstick humor are unparalleled in those films. You are a comedic genius, whether you like it or not. So start writing like it. ( I did laugh at the part where the bulls killed the horses. Animal brutality, NOW THAT is some edgy and hilarious shit!)

Finally, you talked a lot about drinking wine in your book!?! What are you, my mom! Wine is gross. One time my friends and i chugged a box of Franzia and got stupid drunk. My one friend, Titus (im not sure if you know him), blacked out and lost his iPhone. You should switch to another drink, like beer or Olde English if you want to avoid losing your phone. Those beverages are much cheaper too.

Sincerely,

Kevin Stuczynski

P.S. Ernest, I am not trying to rip apart your work. For the most part, I liked it. I really did! I am just trying to offer you some constructive criticism so you can use it in your next book.