The Daily Struggles of Kevin Stu

YOLLAPO!

Thu, 23 May 2013 20:18:00 -0400

YOLLAPO!

I graduated from college over 3 weeks ago, and I’m getting pretty used to this real world...

Thu, 23 May 2013 13:38:00 -0400

I graduated from college over 3 weeks ago, and I’m getting pretty used to this real world thing. It’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. So to give undergraduates some hope for the future, I’m going to give you a little rundown of my daily routine.

- I wake up. Usually this is somewhere between 10:30 am and 2 pm depending on how drunk I was last night.

- I check my e-mails on my phone, to see if if any potential employers have emailed me back.

- I remember that I haven’t applied to any jobs and then immediately go to Twitter, and then Tumblr, and then Instagram, and then Vine, and then Reddit….

- 2 hours later I am ready to start my day! I get out of bed, get dressed, and am ready to go(I don’t brush my teeth, because teeth-brushing is for people who plan to leave their house).

- I head to my office (a desk located in the next room) and load up my computer.

- The first thing I do is check Twitter, and then Tumblr, and then Facebook, and then Reddit. You get the point.

*The main goal of this time period is to avoid any kind of bikini pics or pictures of attractive celebrities that may lead to me watching porn.*

- If I succeed, then I continue on with my web browsing.

- If I don’t succeed, then my day is pretty much over because I’ll spend the rest of it on Youporn until I go to bed at 2 am.

- Let’s assume I meet my goal and I make it till 5:25 p.m. HOORAY! My roommate Dennis is home from his full time job/career. Now it is time for some good ole fashioned human interaction!

- Dennis says Hi and then complains about some work shit and immediately heads to his room to watch Bar Rescue and eat Turkey Burgers.

That was intense! No more face to face communication for awhile. I need a break. Back to Twitter…

- Okay it is now 8:00 and I am STRESSED OUT. Time to drink.

- At this point I will drink anywhere between 3-26 beers. Sometimes my roommate Bart will want to go out. If that is the case. I will follow him to whatever bar he wants to go to and stand there quietly until I am black out drunk.

- If Bart isn’t going out. I will just watch a movie with Dennis until he passes out, at which point I have to awkwardly turn off the movie and sneak out of the room without waking him up.

- At this point I have officially given up on the day, and can officially watch that porn I was avoiding earlier. I will do that until I pass out.

There you have it. See, the real world isn’t as bad as you think! My trick is that I just remember each day is officially one day closer to retirement. When I can finally relax all day and not have to worry about a thing!

*** It is important to note that in order to pay my rent, I am currently employed part time as a caterer. So three days out of the week I have to show up to a 7-9 hour shift, in which I spend the majority of time just trying not make awkward jokes. ***

Still think Adam Sandler would’ve been a better cast for...

Mon, 20 May 2013 21:33:02 -0400

Still think Adam Sandler would’ve been a better cast for this role…

Despite Famous Book "Tuesday's with Morrie" Author Mitch Albom States that "Thirsty Thursday" is Still Favorite Day of the Week

Thu, 16 May 2013 17:43:38 -0400

(above) Author Mitch Albom discusses importance of ‘cutting loose’ on Thursdays

Author Mitch Albom is best known for his memoir “Tuesdays with Morrie”. This popular book turned movie focuses on the time Albom spent reconnecting with his friend and former professor Morrie Schwartz. After learning about Schwarts’ diagnosis of ALS (more popularly know as Lou Gehrigs Disease), Albom met up with his beloved professor every Tuesday up until his eventual death. It is in these meeting where the author learned many of life’s most important lessons, which he shared in his famous book. However, despite the wonderful times they had together on many a Tuesday’s, the well known writer still says that Thursdays are his favorite day of the week.

“Of course I love Tuesday’s, they always remind me of the time I got to spend with one of my oldest and dearest friends”, says Albom, “but Thursdays, Thursdays will always be my shit!”

Thursdays, often known as ‘Thirsty Thursday’ to college students and some weird adults, have grown to become a favorite day for binge drinkers. Albom just happens to be one of those enthusiasts.

“See the problem with Tuesday is that it’s way too early in the week, it’s basically just Monday. Nobody want’s to do anything. That’s the beauty of Thursday. Thursday is right on the front end of the weekend. Everyone is all stressed out and ready to party!” says Albom.

In his book, the critically acclaimed author recalls his time at Brandeis College where he met Morrie, “Back in college I I took a ton of his classes, and every once in awhile we would take walks together and talk.” says Albom “But when I wasnt with him I was usually partying. You see, I had this this fucking crazy group of friends” Albom laughs “I remember we used to get really shitfaced right after our last class on Thursday, and we would be so drunk by 7 that we wouldn’t even make it to the bars. So you can see why Thursdays are kind of nostalgic for me.”

The author went on to discuss some of the lessons he has learned throughout his life,”I learned a lot in the short time I spent with Morrie. We talked about the importance of staying close with family and friends, and why money shouldn’t be your main focus in life” says Albom “however, Thursday’s are where I learned a lot of more useful shit, like how to shotgun a beer properly, or good ways to trick a bartender into thinking you already tipped”.

Albom expanded on the importance of quality friendships, “This one Thursday my friend Ricky drop kicked a mailbox and fractured his femur! Morrie was nice guy and all, but Ricky, now that dude was a fucking riot!”

Now long removed from his college years, Albom said that he still drinks on Thursday’s but not as much as he’d like to, “It’s been way to long since I woke up face down in a random Boston alley” said the author of a once best selling book. We asked him if he ever missed his old friend Morrie, about whom he wrote his magnum opus. “Oh Ya. I definitely miss Murray sometimes. He was taken from this Earth way too soon. FUCK CANCER!”

Ohhhh. So this is what Future was talking about.

Wed, 01 May 2013 14:01:04 -0400

Ohhhh. So this is what Future was talking about.

"Why I Can't Go Back to Cleveland" Bud Light Commerical Explained

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 15:06:00 -0400

If you have watched any of the NCAA March Madness tournament, then you are certainly familiar with the new Bud Light commercial which has aired over/under 3 million times (If you haven’t been watching the tournament, or have somehow managed to avoid this advertisement, then check it out here). This very frequently played ad features a male/female couple who appear to have found each other on a dating site, meeting in real life for the first time.

However, the part that stands out to most people about this commercial is the very opening line, before they start discussing there fears of dating in the digital age. As the cameras pans in on the couple, we here the bearded male say “and that’s why I can never go back to Cleveland again.”

This line has left many viewers wondering the same thing… why can’t this man go back to Cleveland?

He seems like a pretty harmless dude, and to be banned from an entire city, that’s a pretty big deal. WELL, lucky for you guys. I am from Cleveland, and I just happen to know the story.

It all started in late June a few years back. I was at a bar playing darts with some friends. None of us knew how to play darts so we were naturally just chucking the darts at the board as hard as we could, like we would a baseball. I was probably winning because I’m a tremendous athlete. ANYWAYS That’s when that mustached douche bag (Remember. He used to have a mustache) walked in with his friends and proceeded to ruin our evening. He was drinking a Bud Light.

This guy and his friends were obviously drunk, and hitting on every girl in sight. Keep in mind these are the same creepy and racially diverse friends from the commercial. The man walks up to me, introduces himself, says he is on a business trip, and challenges me to a game of darts. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to play a stranger in darts, so I politely told him to “F off”. He did not like this.

The now very drunk man gathered up his crew, which suddenly multiplied to 25 guys, and surrounded me. So I did the only thing I could. I yelled for my friend Steve, who made a Jackie Chan like jump over the crowd of people surrounding me. Steve and I have seen a lot of movies (our favorite is Where the Wild Things Are!) so we knew exactly what to do in this situation. We faced each other back-to-back, and slowly rotated in circle as we took on all 25 of these bros who were trying to attack us. After approximately 750 round house kicks to the face and a few strong punches to their stomachs, our foes were all on the ground in pain. Steve and I stood in the middle assessing the situation and were happy that our MMA lessons had paid off (everybody in Cleveland takes MMA lessons!) Then suddenly things got interesting.

The mustached asshole suddenly sprung to his feet. You know, in that cool “not using their hands” way that characters in kung fu movies and that one kid from your grade school could do. He then proceed to run out of the bar. Being a part time private detective, I decided to trail this man and see what else he was up to. Steve stayed back at the bar to watch the Indians (there were a group of Indian grad students at the other end of the bar and Steve, not having a very good grasp on stereotypes, was afraid they might steal our stuff).

I finally caught up to the man in Central Park. Cleveland, just like New York City, has a giant park smack dab in the middle of our metropolitan area. The man was on his cell phone and appeared to be up to no good, because he was using curse words such as “dang” and “fart” a lot. I was afraid this shady man might see me, so I dove into some nearby bushes, and watched him closely.

It was getting pretty hot in the bushes, and in the city in general. After all it was almost June, and Cleveland is known for our extremely temperate summers and our mild winters. The man must have felt the temperature increase too, because he began taking off his Ed Hardy button down shirt to reveal a black undershirt with the words “Witness” printed on it in white text. I was not familiar with this particular shirt, so I assumed that maybe this man was in town for some kind of trial. I immediately texted my friend in the district attorney’s office and asked him if crime witness’ were required to wear any kind of special clothing. My friend texted me back almost immediately and replied “NO :(” I was confused as to why he felt the need to include a frownie face emoticon, but shook it off and went back to watching the suspicious man.

Out of nowhere I saw a scorpion in the bushes next to me, and I began to freak out. I knew I should have expected to see this type of arachnid foe, because after all this is Cleveland! But I still made a ton of noise. The sound was enough to scare away my poisonous enemy, but it also attracted the attention of my human enemy.

The man after hearing the bushes shake, decided to yell out and see if anybody was there. “Who’s there?” , he said worriedly. I was calm and did not reply, even though I knew it was rude. He suddenly pulled out a gun and his panic level noticeably increased. ” IS SOMEONE OUT HERE!” he yelled this time. I still stood silent. The man thought for a second, and had creepy grin on his face before trying one last attempt. He began to chant. “Here we go Brownies, here we go.. There was nothing I could do. It was as if someone else had taken over my body and was speaking for me now. I subconsciously replied at the top of my lungs “Hoo! Hoo!”

My cover was blown, so i stood up and was approached by the man with the gun. He shot me 12 times. Anyone else would have been dead, BUT NOT ME. I listened to 50 Cent’s Get Rich or Die Tryin’ quite a bit as a youth, and therefore was prepared for this kind of assault. However, i began to feel woozy and passed out.

The next thing i knew I was waking up in warehouse. I could smell the Atlantic ocean nearby, so i assumed I was somewhere by Cleveland’s prominent wharf district. I promised myself that i would make a trip to the The Red Lobster (a renowned sea food restaurant in the Cleveland area), if I made it out of this situation alive.

I was duck taped to a chair and blindfolded, so I could not see anything. But I heard the two men talking. I recognized the voice of one of them as the guy from the bar/commercial, the other was unfamiliar. The two appeared to be in talks of some kind of deal, or negotiation. The commercial man also appeared be making a lot of small talk about the weather, because he kept talking about ‘the heat”. I decided to save this man from his terrible conversation skills by speaking up. I mumbled the first thing I could think of, “let me out of here. I am too talented of a detective be stuck here” They heard me, but couldn’t understand. I have never been one to enunciate! They walked over to me, and I felt a large palm on my shoulder. The other man had a much deeper voice that was coming down to me from a ridiculous angle. He must have been on stilts or something. He very politely told me to “speak up”. He seemed like a super nice guy, so I did. “I SAID. IM TOO TALENTED TO BE HERE. I NEED TO TAKE MY TALENTS ELSEWHERE. They too began to laugh. I didn’t know why. I have never been funny. And the only jokes I ever told were knock knock ones. I thought back and made sure I didn’t accidentally say a knock knock joke. I didn’t.

I was still blindfolded. The men told me that they like that line about “taking my talents”, and the stilted man asked if he could borrow it. I replied confidently with my newly found sense of humor, “sure, as long i get it back when your done!”. They didn’t laugh. I told you I wasn’t funny. The large palmed man with the deep voice told me that he was gonna be on TV in the next couple weeks, and he would use it there. Suddenly it dawned on me who this man was. It all made sense now….

I was in the presence of a true Cleveland legend. A man who put my hometown and this great city on the map. This large man on stilts with the deep voice had to be none other than former Whose Line Is It Anyway host, Drew Carey.

I was so star struck struck that I passed out again (the 12 bullet wounds didn’t help either). The next thing i knew i was safe and sound in my Cleveland home, which is located right next to Rolling Rock Hall of Fame (I never understood why they had a hall of fame for one beer, but EVERYONE knows Cleveland is a drinking town with football problem so let it slide). I started watching the The Price is Right everyday (i don’t have a job. Im from Cleveland, remember!) to see if Drew Carey would use my line. In the meantime, some guy James left and everybody got pissed. I didn’t know who James was so I wasn’t as mad as everyone else. I wondered if everybody met James at some party I wasn’t invited to (i never get invited to parties) and that got me pissed!

Sorry. I think i got a little side tracked. The whole reason for telling this story was to explain why this guy isn’t allowed back in Cleveland. The reason this man is banned, and let me point out that this is purely a guess, is because the guy was drinking a Bud Light. Remember, at the beginning of the story?

Cleveland doesn’t drink that pussy ass watered down shit. We drink real beer, like Great Legs Christmas Ail and other expensive stuff that literally none of us can afford.

Okay thanks for reading. I have to go watch The Price is Right Now. I’m still waiting for Drew to use my line!!!

- Kevin Stu

Rap Game: Les Mis

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 21:29:40 -0500

Rap Game: Les Mis

Teacher Allegedly Does NOT Have Sex with Student; School Is Outraged

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 21:51:00 -0500

Another teacher is under scrutiny for a student teacher sex scandal. Except this time, Dennis Quaid Elementary 5th grade Social Studies teacher, Wendy McDonald (yes. just like the fast food restaurants) is under investigation for NOT having sex with one of her students. Jimmy Edwards, captain of the 5th grade boys Track team, supposedly made a pass at Wendy last week following the Spring pep rally. One student overheard the exchange while standing at a nearby locker. “Hey, Ms. McDonald, I like your butt, you should let me make love to it”, the witness recalls Jimmy saying rather confidently. It is reported that, although very flattered, Ms. McDonald politely denied Jimmy’s request to “make love to her butt”.

When Principal McDonald (no relation) found out about this interaction, he was not surprisingly upset. “Jimmy ran the 800 meter dash in less than 4 minutes last year and led our team to 3rd in the conference. The least she could do is fuck him”, said the man in charge of Dennis Quaid Elementary. “We are taking this investigation very seriously, and if we find any evidence suggesting that Wendy turned down the opportunity to have anal sex with this young man, severe punishments will be issued” There is more to come on this investigation, as the details ease their way in (like a penis into a butt!).

Jimmy Edwards (center) and friends after last year’s big meet against Orlando Bloom Prep School

Letter to Ernest Hemingway

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:26:00 -0500

I just got done reading The Sun Also Rises, the first novel by American author Ernest Hemingway (previously famous for going to prison and being scared stupid). I have some minor thoughts and criticisms on his work, so I wrote him a letter.

YO ERNEST,

Your book, The Sun Also Rises, pretty good, but I do have some complaints.

First off, your title is very confusing. The word “also” is a comparative word, and therefore requires a comparison. We know THE SUN rises, but what else? If you were referring to my penis during an episode of Rizolli and Isles, you are definitely correct. But you can’t just assume all of your readers will know that. Remember, when you “assume”… you look a like to a total fucktard.

Second. I’ve been to France ONCE. Which is three times more than everybody else i know. So why the fuck do you talk about your travel routes the whole time. We dont know any of the places you are talking about, and we certainly don’t care about directions. That shit is for GPS to worry about. Us Americans are not only fat and ugly, but we are stupid as well. SO TREAT US LIKE IT! Reading your book was VERY confusing. It felt like I was watching an episode of The Californians, just not funny.

Speaking of funny, that leads to my third complaint. Your movies were WAY funnier than this book. I liked the movie where you went to the Army (i cant remember what it was called). Your comedic timing and brilliant slapstick humor are unparalleled in those films. You are a comedic genius, whether you like it or not. So start writing like it. ( I did laugh at the part where the bulls killed the horses. Animal brutality, NOW THAT is some edgy and hilarious shit!)

Finally, you talked a lot about drinking wine in your book!?! What are you, my mom! Wine is gross. One time my friends and i chugged a box of Franzia and got stupid drunk. My one friend, Titus (im not sure if you know him), blacked out and lost his iPhone. You should switch to another drink, like beer or Olde English if you want to avoid losing your phone. Those beverages are much cheaper too.

Sincerely,

Kevin Stuczynski

P.S. Ernest, I am not trying to rip apart your work. For the most part, I liked it. I really did! I am just trying to offer you some constructive criticism so you can use it in your next book.

New Show Idea

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 22:36:05 -0500

New Show Idea

Photo

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 16:19:00 -0500

Dr. Oz the Great and Powerful

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 20:45:41 -0500

Dr. Oz the Great and Powerful

Senator Rubio couldn’t resist petting a cute animal

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 04:04:45 -0500

Senator Rubio couldn’t resist petting a cute animal

Clearly Ricky and his uncle (?) do not see eye to eye

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:57:00 -0500

Clearly Ricky and his uncle (?) do not see eye to eye

I heard Google Docs changed it’s name just to reel in...

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 15:36:00 -0500

I heard Google Docs changed it’s name just to reel in Gosling fans.

Trinidad James likes gold. This guy fucking LOVES it.#

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 19:19:00 -0500

Trinidad James likes gold. This guy fucking LOVES it.#

Wes Anderson Verejao

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 16:01:00 -0500

Wes Anderson Verejao

Ole Miss' Marshall Henderson: The Anti-Craft

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 17:41:00 -0500

As a Senior at Ohio State I have now seen Aaron Craft play for 3 years now and looking back on his career I can’t remember one memorable moment. I always hear about the Junior point guards tremendous defense, but I can’t honestly say I have ever actively watched it. I am not a professional basketball analyst, so naturally when I watch a ball game, my only focus is the guy with the ball. Aaron Craft could be doing the chicken dance while guarding his man, and I would probably never notice. The only time I pay attention to Aaron Craft is when he is on offense, and boy is he a snooze fest (wow. that actually sounds like an amazing type of festival to counter Coachella and Bonaroo, but not for a basketball game) Let’s face it. Even though Craft is a great student, an incredible athlete, a spectacular teammate, a coach’s dream and probably one of the best all around people on the planet, he is boring…

Now Marshall Henderson, Ole Miss’ leading scorer, is a different story. I have known about this guy for less than 7 days and my level of intrigue about him goes up every second. Right away you look at him on the court and you see a white guy with a buzz cut (not too different than Aaron Craft), but after that brief second you start to notice things about this player. You realize that he has an awful goatee, and that his buzz cut is actually one of those stupid mo-hawks often tried by white people. Both, very simple and subtle appearance choices that Aaron Craft would be way too afraid to try out. Then you notice other things, his absurd facial expressions, those crazy eyes, his ridiculous over the top hand gestures, and the obvious over-confidence in his jump shot. You know, all the stuff that makes college basketball player exciting. Watching Marshall Henderson play reminds of the days of Gonzaga legend Adam Morrison. Except Adam Morrison, a 6’9” diabetic guard who once broke down in tears mid-game, looks like Shooter McGavin compared to Henderson’s Happy Gimore (although Adam’s physcial appearance is much closer to Happy’s old boss with the nail in his head, but that’s beside the point).

Yes. Marshall Henderson is definitely a fun player to watch. Sure he is a coaches nightmare, but heck that’s why I’m not coach. I am just a fan who wants to be entertained. A need that Marshall is definitely taking care of. Out of high school Marshall was arrested for trying to buy marijuana with counterfeit money?!?!?! (i like to imagine he used Monopoly money, and still almost got away) He has been to four different schools, including one JUCO wear he one a championship and a player of the year (the most exciting people always go to JUCO! Remember that kid at your high school who wasn’t afraid to to talk back to the principle. HE WENT TO JUCO!) Henderson has also gotten in multiple altercations with fans, including his own who he allegedly threw ice at. Oh yeah, and one more thing…

HE DUNKS. Yes, he has been known to thrown down the occasional two handed slam. Us white guys are desperately in need of a dunk representative to replace Louisville’s Kyle Kuric, who graduated last year, and Henderson might be very well be the right guy for the job. Obviously Henderson is not the level of dunker that Kuric was, but if the NBA dunk contest has taught us anything, it’s that modern dunks are all about the show before and after the dunk, and Henderson is very capable of putting on a show.

Alright that’s enough about Henderson, lets get back to Craft and his game.

Aaron Craft plays good on the ball defense…

That’s about all I know. I’m sure he does other things when he’s not turning the ball over or getting blocked on layups, but I truthfully cannot think of one exciting aspect of his game.

Overall, I appreciate Crafts game, I really do. I think he is an excellent role model and a one of a kind player, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch him play several times a week. I would much rather catch an Ole Miss’ game and see an athlete like Marshall Henderson out there playing like there’s no tomorrow and no consequences for his ridiculous actions. He is the type of player who does things on and off the court that you will remember the rest of your life. While Craft, well he plays good defense.

That is why I am officially labeling Marshall Henderson as the foil to Aaron Craft. They are both talented basketball players from similar situations who have taken polar opposite routes in their game play. All great hero’s have their foil, and Aaron Craft is no exception. Who knows, maybe one day these two players will meet in the tournament, and we can have a side by side comparison to see who is the more electrifying player. However, we still have some time before that day might arise and all i know right now is that Marshall Henderson IS the anti-Craft and I fucking love it.

I usually only watch movies that star David Schwimmer, but I...

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 23:46:00 -0500

I usually only watch movies that star David Schwimmer, but I recently decided to step out of my comfort zone and watch this Indian film that I saw in the IMDB top 250. Even though the title “3 Idiots” makes it sound like a lame comedy movie (see: 3 Ninjas and 3 Stooges) it was honestly amazing. So if you have some extra time on your hands, do yourself a favor and check it out. I guarantee it will be the best 3 hour Youtube video you’ve ever seen.

WARNING: this movie is subtitled, so you cannot take your eyes off the movie and watch porn in another tab. If that deters you from watching it, I would completely understand. However, you do get used to the subtitles very fast, and the anticipation makes for a great marathon porn watching session afterwords

Is Kevin Bacon’s new show “The Following”...

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 17:43:31 -0500

Is Kevin Bacon’s new show “The Following” about him helping people manage their Twitter accounts?